Life is complicated. Adulting is complicated. Being a human is complicated. Let’s be honest, no matter what we do in life, there seems to be a complicated piece of the pie or something that causes us to feel overwhelmed. You are not alone in those feelings. I am not alone in those feelings.
In theory, we know that having what we don’t have won’t make us happy or more fulfilled, but that does not stop us humans from thinking that way. It is like hair – you know, if you have straight hair, you want curly hair and vice versa. That is the easiest though! How many times have we all thought if only we had more money… if only we were skinnier… if only we had more friends… if only we had a significant other… if only we… if only… if… And the truth is, you get skinnier, or you get more money, or you have a bigger village, or you are loved by someone else, you can still not feel deserving or feel a sense of overwhelm. It is only at a different level when when there is more stuff involved, lets be honest, if money solved all problems, why would there be so many celebrity overdoses and suicides? Ugh, I regress…
So the point of this post… I took the biggest part of 2018 to look inward and fall in love…this time with me. It all started on February 3 and I was sure life would never be the same. I know I have told you all a lot about what I learned early on – mostly that it is your fault if you are not happy and that it is no ones responsibility to make you that way. This was my big first lesson. The second lesson is relatively simple…I have to come first. I have to love me.
If I don’t love myself, I am no good for anyone else…especially my girls. For the longest time, I thought this would mean I am selfish. In all reality, it is being selfless. I am not just talking liking who I am, but falling in love with my most authentic and best self! Realizing that I am worthy of everything I have and that there are reasons that I don’t have some things I might want. Not trying to be anyone else, but me and really finding out who I am has been mind-blowing. The lightbulb or ah-ha moments have been numerous and sometimes hard. Why do you eat your feelings? Why are you afraid to actually lose weight? What has caused all of these fears and times of overwhelm through your adult life?
The year has almost passed as it nears February. It has been a year of firsts as well. It was the first Thanksgiving and Christmas that I was not in a relationship since I was 16 years old. Honestly, it has been the first year I have been single and on my own since that same time. Although strange and refreshing and scary, that was a hard pill to swallow! You see, I was the girl who thought she would be alone because no one would love her – she was not good enough or deserving – whatever currently was was always the best there would be. See what I mean, total bullshit that totally points to me not loving myself!
And when I finally decided that I needed to not only align my mental and spiritual realities, but I needed to also include some energy work, business and life coaching, and help implementing a truly healthy lifestyle that included eating better and exercise the huge fears were uncovered! What was I afraid of? Why did I always sabotage myself and my weightless goals? Turns out there are two things here – 1 – I never set off on a weight loss journey that was for me. Really! I have yo-yo dieted my entire life it feels like because of someone else or for someone else. NEVER FOR ME! This time is different. And 2 – until now, I did not feel deserving or worthy of looking on the outside how I have felt since cancer on the inside. (I know that seems weird, but sometimes the most challenging parts of life can be the most rewarding!) I had a pretty good grasp of who I was and what I am at my most authentic level, but the outside did not match that.
So here I am today, 12 weeks or so in to the part of the journey to bring my year full circle – to bring everything together! I am 30 or so pounds lighter and 15 inches or so smaller. I am also still working on getting right with the thought of being able to accept that this is happening and will stick this time – for the first time as an adult. There are still fears and days of self sabotage…but more than that, there are days where I realize that I have a wonderful support system and don’t live or die by one decision.
Today was such a day – my meals were on point, water consumption on point, I worked out for a little over an hour with my trainer – yet I felt totally overwhelmed with life. This is hard! Again, it is complicated. It is overwhelming. And I know that moments like these in the grand scheme of life are just the Devil popping up to put us down. I need to remember everything – even these moments of self-deprecating stupid thoughts – are in the plan. The plan that is greater than I am. No moment of sabotage is a failure, but a learning experience – thats how all experiences in life should be looked at. My trainer is an amazing person – full of ESP and insight. She looks through me and just knows…a lot…in a weird good way. Any who, she knew I was sitting here dwelling on my thoughts and I received this message “We have the power to control our thoughts, and as a result, control who we are. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, your life isn’t falling apart – your thoughts are.”
And like that, I sit down to write it all out…to try to put my thoughts in perspective because Jes is right! Life right now is good. I know I am not alone in these feelings and many of us feel like we are. Our story doesn’t play out like we planned or thought it would – it plays out the way it is supposed to with life’s little ups and downs. I have so many people in my corner cheering on my successes and wanting me to succeed with all of my hopes and dreams.
So there you have it – a full on accountability for my healthier choice lifestyle. You all keep my on track. And let us all remember that these moments of overwhelm or mildly crazy (so how I have felt today) are part of the plan – more money, more love, being skinnier, more, more, more won’t fix it. Finding ourselves and loving ourselves is what will make life make more sense and feel less complicated. Putting the positive out in the universe instead of negative will manifest those realities in our lives. Even the most put together person who seems to have it all probably has moments of overwhelm and dismay – we never know what others are dealing with and my hope in sharing my feelings is that someone may realize they aren’t alone.
My goals for 2019 are huge – obtainable, but huge – and I can’t wait to see what else life throws in along the way! Biggest take away from all this though… sometimes being a human is totally complicated – and now it is truly a time to be a unicorn!